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Everything I Need to Know About Freelancing that I Learned From the Kama Sutra

Thursday, April 15th, 2010


~PART 6: ABOUT COURTESANS~

Chapter 5: Occasional Profits [Lābha Vishesha]

1. Sleeping with different individuals, her daily earnings come from various persons, since she does not settle on a single one.

2. Considering the country, the period, her own condition, her qualities and chances, her advantages, whether greater or lesser than those of the others, she establishes her price for the night.

3. She uses a messenger for her amorous relations. If he encounters difficulties, she gives up the enterprise.

4. If by chance, she manages to obtain from a single customer the price of two or three or four nights, she stays with him, behaving like a wife.

5. According to the masters of old, when two customers present themselves to enjoy her and propose the same fee, she must clearly go with the one from whom she can obtain an extra.

6. According to Vātsyāyana, anything may be obtained by giving something in exchange: the coin is the basis of every transaction.

7. They are, as the case may be objects of gold or silver; copper, bronze, or iron utensils. hangings; shawls; garments; perfumes; spices; accessories; ghee; oil; wheat; cattle.

8. When two candidates are similar, if she likes them both equally and they are equally rich, she refuses or accepts to sleep with one them according to the advice of her household.

9. According to the masters of the old, she should prefer the one that pays well rather than a passionate lover, because it is to her advantage.

10. She must be capable of leaving a lover for someone who pays.

11 “He who is in love parts easily with his money, even if he is mean; but one who wants to go away cannot be recovered.”

12. According to the masters of the old, between a rich man and one who is not rich, it is the rich man who is interesting, and between one who spends willingly and one who tries to render services, the useful one is often preferable.

13.”He who renders services and acts immediately is useful in enterprise, while the spender will end by going away,” says Vātsyāyana.

14. There too, of the two of them, one must consider whose absence will cause the most inconvenience.

15. According to the masters, between a serious, faithful man [kritajna] and a fickle man, it is advisable to favor the fickle one.

16. The past attentions of the fickle man [tyāgī] who has been courting her for a long time, even if he once behaved badly and has betrayed her with other courtesans, must be taken into consideration.

17. Fickle people are often impulsive, changeable, distant.

18. He who is faithful is conscious of what he has acquired and will not let himself be easily seduced. Careful in his behavior, he does not commit the offense of deceiving her, Vātsyāyana explains.

19. Here too, it is the yield that counts.

20. She must follow her assistants’ advice in sleeping with the one from whom she will obtain the most money She must always prefer a relationship that pays, say the masters.

21. According to Vātsyāyana, if she chooses to sleep with one for a matter of money, without following the counsel of her assistants, they will make difficulties.

22. She may not neglect her assistants’ advice.

23. In such a case, she summons the assistant who organizes her work, saying, “Tomorrow I will do what you advice, and you will recoup the money for my transgression.”

24. According to the masters, when there are several possibilities, the collection of money is always preferred by prudent persons.

25. According to Vātsyāyana, earnings may be meager, but if no money is produced by what one does, one will not know what to live on.

26. There is also a difference to establish between the fat and the thin.

27. When one fears that money may be lacking, the different levels concerning the lack of money must be considered.

28. Having temples and reservoirs built, setting up altars or raised platforms for Agni, the fire god, giving Brahmans herds of cows and covered vessels, arranging pūjās and offerings to the gods, bearing the expenses involved with the money they earn, this is the concern of high-ranking courtesans who reap large profits.

29. Covering all her limbs with jewels and carefully decorating her home with priceless vases, utilizing her servants to polish all the openings of her house, those who live on their charms succeed in improving their status.

30. A slave water carrier who wishes to make considerable gains must always wear spotless clothes and feed well, always have scented betel, and wear silver-gilt ornaments.

13. According to the masters, prostitutes of middle and low class also make considerable profits.

32. Vātsyāyana explains that the profits and remuneration given are determined according ti place, times, living standards, ability, eroticism, and customs.

33. A courtesan may even accept to have intercourse for very little money, if it is a question of taking another girl’s lover, preventing him from setting up house with her, stealing the permanent lover of another or appropriating another’s profits, separating her from a potential lover by appropriating him, widening her relations through her amorous contacts, or else, to have his assistance in the spiteful actions she has in mind, to induce another’s steady lover to behave badly: considering everything her has done for her in the past, the courtesan willingly accepts him for a small sum.

34. Her protector has no money, but is expecting considerable funds. To safeguard the future, she takes nothing from him.

35. On leaving this man, I shall find another with whom I can have a serious attachment; going back to his wife, that man will leave me in poverty; another is under the thumb of his master, or father, etc; or his position is threatened; or he is unstable: in all of these cases, she must take in advance the remuneration given on account.

36. He is certain to receive considerable goods from the king, or he will be given an important post. He will soon be able to enjoy his revenues. His ship is about to come in. The revenue from his estates and houses is due. He does not forget what has gone by. He knows that she desires a constant income. without arguments. This is why she decides to stay attached to him.

37. “She must stay away from anyone from whom she can only just obtain her livelihood or from anyone who performs dirty work in the king’s service, even if she can make a profit thereby.”

39. The rich man, who gives without counting and is satisfied with little, is a magnificent character. She must go with him to assure her expense.

Chapter 6: Profits and Losses: Reflections on Doubts Concerning the Advantages and Disadvantages of Relations [Artha-anartha Anubandha Vichāra]

1. It can happen that in pursuing profit, one ends with a loss. A relationship must therefore be considered prudently.

2. They can be due to lack of intelligence, to excessive love, to vanity, dishonesty, cupidity, excessive trust, anger, pride, brutality, belief in luck.

3. The results of such defects are that, once the relationship is established, the promise of money as an income from the sexual relation does not materialize. Her earnings do not cover her expenses. He leaves her for another. The sexual relationship is a brutal one, injuring her body. He tears out her hair, throws her to the ground, breaks her limbs. These are the possible risks.

4. In order to avoid such risks, even if she could obtain a lot of money, she must give it up.

5. Money, virtue, and love are the three goals to be attained.

6. Lack of money, lack of virtue, and hate are the three sources of sorrow.

7. In practice, the other kinds of misfortune depend on these.

8. If the expected profit is not certain to be obtained without difficulty, it is proper to have some hesitation.

9. It is difficult to foresee the outcome right at the start.

10. It is only in practice that one or other of these eventualities may occur.

11. A relationship may also have a multiple outcome, of which examples will be given.

12. The form of the three kinds of success has been contemplated. Their opposites are the three kinds of failure.

13. Having had an excellent sexual relationship with someone, she expects that her monetary earnings, when she receives them, will show a tidy profit. If it is not so, it is a failure connected with money.

14. If she sleeps with just anyone solely for gain, the relationship is a purely commercial one.

15. By accepting money from someone else, she risks losing the affection of her faithful lover, who will cut off her allowance, so that there will be a money loss. Furthermore, she incurs everybody’s contempt. Or else, by sleeping with men of lowly status, she risks losing his esteem. In this case, the gain is accompanied by a loss.

16. Wishing to acquire notoriety by frequenting famous men or ministers at her own expense, sleeping with them will win her nothing, since her outlay is exaggerated. Although her lack of earnings is considerable, she gains in security. This is because there is a relation between advantages and disadvantages.

17. A girl who, believing herself to be very beautiful, is authoritarian, vain, or else very keen on sex, receives her lovers at her own expense, gaining nothing thereby. The absence of profit is not considered as a loss.

18. If she is courted by an upper civil servant with a particularly cruel characters who, after being generously welcomed by her, leaves her with threats, without giviner her anything, in this case, inconveniences are piled upon inconveniences.

19. From now on, the questions will be connected with virtue and pleasure.

20. Besides simple contrasts, there are also complex contrasts.

21. Even if he is satisfied, one does not know whether he will pay or not. The profit is doubtful [artha sanshaya].

22. Having squeezed his money from him without violence, she throws him out, seeking only her own advantage, and does not consider that it is unethical: her morality is doubtful [dharma sanshaya].

23. Having found someone she likes, she makes inquiries, through one of her assistant or some other low person, to find out whether or not he makes love well. This is erotic doubt [kāma sanshaya]

24. Because he comes of a good family, she believes he will not behave like a good-for-nothing. This is doubt concerning risks [anartha sanshaya]

25. Having found someone she likes, she makes inquiries, through one of her assistants or some other low person, to find out whether or not he makes love well. This is erotic doubt [kāma sanshaya].

26. She has made declarations of love to someone she likes and, not having got him, she wonders whether he lacks temperament or is hostile to her. This is the doubt of enmity [dvesha sanshaya].

27. Now for complex doubts.

28. Someone whose character is unknown presents himself while an interesting lover is staying with her, or when an important personage is present. Is it reasonable or risky to receive him? This is the doubt.

29. A priest, a chaste student, an initiate, a wandering monk, a Buddhist monk [lingi], etc., having seen her, fall desperately in love with her; or someone else, according to his friends, wants to commit suicide for the same reasons. Sleeping with them is a charitable duty [dharma], yet contrary to their moral law [adharma]. There is doubt between duty and prohibition [dharma-adharma].

30. Having formed an idea of someone’s merits, according to public opinion, she goes with him without having verified his qualities. The doubt is as to whether there will be love or enmity [kāma-dvesha].

31. If one’s feelings are uncertain, the one as compared to the other, this causes complex doubts [sankirna sanshaya].

32. If she goes with another for money while living with her steady lover, she gains on both sides.

33. When she has intercourse at her own expense without earning anything, and her regular lover in fury stops her allowance, , she loses on both sides.

34. When there is some doubt since she does not know whether, in sleeping with another man, she will obtain money, nor whether her steady lover will give her something for living with her, a financial doubt exists in both cases.

35. She does not know whether her former lover, who kept her, being angry, has become hostile to her and will cause her trouble. Neither does she know whether the new one to whom she has attached herself will lose patience and stop paying her. On both sides there is a doubt about money. Such, according to Uddālaka, is the description of a double relationship.

36. Here follows the opinion on the Bābhravyas.

37. By sleeping with another, she earns money as well as receiving some from her steady lover, even without intercourse. She gains doubly.

38. When she sleeps with a man without profit, and the one who gives her a pension stops her allowance, she undergoes a loss in both cases.

39. When she goes with someone without first fixing her rate, not knowing whether he will give her anything and whether her steady lover, even without sleeping with her, will pay her remuneration, there is a doubt as to her gain in both cases.

40. She is put to the expense of sleeping with someone but, since he is under the influence of his steady mistress, she does not know whether he will pay her. Moreover, she does not know whether her steady lover, with whom she does not sleep, will cut her allowance out of anger. In both cases she risks a loss.

41. In her relations with her two lovers, she must contemplate: the gain on one side, the losses on the other; the gain on one side, uncertain profits on the other; the gain on one side, the risk of losses on the other, to which six cases of complex problems are added.

42. By reflecting with the aid of these remarks and considering her assured profits, doubtful gains, and avoiding any great risk, she must decide how to behave.

43. Having determined the relation between duty [dharma] and pleasure [kāma], their relative importance must be considered before establishing relations.

44. When several profligates gather together to possess a woman, it is called group possession [goshthi parigraha].

45. Uniting with them, she takes money from each for sexual relations.

46. For the spring festival and on other similar occasions, the mother sends messages stipulating that the first to copulate with her daughter will be the one who sends her certain gifts.

47. When they argue about sleeping with the girl, she arranges matters to her advantage.

48. At these collective unions, she can earn from one or earn from all, lose with one or lose with all, earn from half and lose with half.

49. Even in the case of uncertainty about her profit and about her losses, relations can be performed by taking into account questions concerning ethics or pleasure.
These are the reflections with regard to doubts concerning profits and risks in sexual relations.

50. The various kinds of prostitue are: the water carrier [kumbhadāsī], the servant ]parichārikā], the corrupt woman [kulata], the lesbian [svairinī], the dancer [natī], the worker [shilpakārikā], the divorcee or widow [prakāshavinashtā], the harlot who lives on her charms [rupājīvā], and the courtesan [ganikā].

51. Reflections on prostitution include all these categories, comprising those who sleep with them, their servants, those who are enamored of them, the ways of making love for money, of breaking off, of resuming, special profits, doubts about gains, and the risks of relationships.

52. In this connection, a quotation: “Men look for love and women too look for love.” The main goal of the treatise is the way to have intercourse with women.

53. Some women look for pleasure, others seek money. The pleasure deriving from amorous relations with prostitutes has been described in connection with prostitution.

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How to have a Totally Awesome Abortion*

Tuesday, March 2nd, 2010
*Now to be realistic, no abortion could really be described as “awesome.” When the body purges itself of an undesirable, be it the flu or an unplanned pregnancy, it’s often an unpleasant, even painful experience, which we mediate with medicines and other techniques. Emotionally, to me, its a similar feeling to starting a painting, maybe impulsively, and at a certain point having to accept that you need to junk it, flip it over and start again. Maybe you’ll use the canvas for something else, or write for a while instead. The most frustrating aspect is that it feels like time and energy that could have been better spent on your other endeavors, but the pain & pleasure of making mistakes is how we learn, and with paint as with love, things sometimes move into directions you never imagined. Which I guess, is kind of the whole point.

1. Before getting pregnant, it’s best to spend a couple of years educating yourself on the history of abortion and contraception, holistic to synthetic. Befriend women of different ages, backgrounds, cultures and socioeconomic positions. You may be surprised to discover that your issues are the issues of many and there is plenty of advice out there to build upon when you look for it. I grew up at a time when the internet was just crawling out of it’s primordial shell, so a lot has changed, and continues changing so fast that you may be reading this when such levels of insularity are but a vague memory in the collective consciousness. If you’re aware of how your body works and what your options are, this greatly reduces the chances that you’ll find yourself unintentionally pregnant, but hey, it happens, so…

2. …if you’re going to accidentally and unintentionally get pregnant, let it be with someone who’s man enough to be a part of the process, to help you with it financially and emotionally, contribute to your research and tend to your discomforts as if they were his own. Yes, I know, these are very hard to find, but they do exist. Men that do not possess these qualities are worth little more than a casual fling IMHO.

3. When the day comes that you sense that you may have conceived, and are aware enough of your cycle that you would notice its lateness within a few days, take a test to confirm. The abortion “pill,” which is actually a few pills (Mifepristone and Misoprostol http://www.fwhc.org/abortion/medical-ab.htm), is prescribed in the US for up to 9 weeks (though legally pregnancy is measured by the last menstrual period, instead of a couple weeks later when ovulation or fertilization would *actually* occur (aka stupid white men making up laws about women’s bodies AGAIN). I have heard it will work much later, though you may have a hard time acquiring it if you are further along than this — at the time I am writing this, there was a case in the news about a woman in New Mexico that obtained it privately rather than with a doctor and miscarried a 5 month pregnancy. The sooner you know the better anyway. While I am staunchly pro-choice, I do feel that the further along the pregnancy, the more difficult physically & emotionally it’s termination will be, so best to nab it early.

4. Despite my failed attempts with herbal methods, I still encourage they’re practice, simply because, some people do experience success with them, and I believe that if more testing was done with herbs, efficacy comparable to that of modern pharmaceuticals could be reached. Nonetheless, if you’re like me and your own herbal attempts at terminating fail, find a private certified female practitioner that takes an integrative approach to women’s health. In my case, the herb shop I was frequenting had her information, and now I understand why.

5. What a contrast to the clinic! She’s also an artist – some of her pieces are up in her office. There’s a buddha statue near the window, and some bamboo. You talk privately for a bit, about self-blame and judgment, and you cry a bit, and it’s good, it’s exactly what you need. Perhaps for years your opinion is that fertility management should be an effortlessly private affair, for which you should be able to get what you need over the counter, cheaply. You say so. She disagrees, she says part of the process needs to be reaching out to one’s community for help, and in so doing, educating and empowering oneself and each other. She approved of my usage of Queen Anne’s Lace, despite my mishap (I seem to have miscalculated my ovulation, or I ovulated later than expected, or ovulated twice). She said in her research with herbs she found that one had to catch things right at or before implantation. After this, pregnancy becomes more tenacious with each passing week.

6. She is going to give you one Mifeprex there in the office, which you take orally. This will inhibit progesterone production, which is necessary to maintain the uterine environment hospitable to a pregnancy. The Misoprostol suppositories are what you will take within 12-72 hours to induce uterine contractions. Her recommendation will be to do this very early in the morning – set your alarm for 6am, insert the pills into your vagina, and then go back to sleep (one needs to lie down until the medicine begins to do its work). This way, it will be daytime when things begin, which is a far less scary time than the night, to feel ill or seek out assistance should you need it. She will also write you a prescription for vicodin to ease the pain from the contractions.

7. Pick up the vicodin at your local pharmacy, and call a friend, preferably sensitive, open-minded, in touch with her mind-body, and possesses a wisdom and awareness of women’s health issues on par to your own (Yes, I know, these are hard to find too). You will want her there when the contractions start, to help with hot water bottles and such. Call your lover, the one with whom you’ve become pregant, for it’s important for him to participate and see what you are going through. If he doesn’t, he’ll have little to no idea what the experience is, and may not attend to you in the way you want & need once it’s over. Arrange a time that they can both be there, ideally before the contractions start. This will be 2-3 hours after you’ve inserted the Misoprostol.

8. When the alarm goes off, insert the pills as directed, take 800 mg ibuprofin and go back to sleep. It will begin in a few hours. Initially it will feel like a heavy period – as soon as you feel a heaviness in your abdomen, it’s time to take the vicodin. Knowing what I know now, I would have popped 3, for the contraactions are intense, and even with 2 they were intense and somewhat painful. Without any vicodin they will be nearly unbearable. (For weeks after I walked around marveling at small children, and the pain that each one’s exit from the womb must represent!) Ask your friend to prepare you some hot water bottles, for the back & front of your abdomen. The Misoprostol will also cause you to vomit, just bile, so have a bowl nearby. As the contractions become more intense she tells you to sigh through them, the way you do sometimes in Yoga vinyasas. It does help you ride them out. The medicine gives you the chills, and you need extra blankets, even though the temperature in the apartment in normal. They sit on either side of you on the bed, holding your hands and you shiver and sigh through the waves of contractions. It last perhaps 1 hour before the waves die down in intensity and frequency. You are exhausted. You sleep.

9. A few hours later, you wake up, surprisingly refreshed and thinking of breakfast; Something light and strengthening, like fresh juice, multi-grain bread, miso soup. Maybe you’ll go bead-shopping with a friend to celebrate.

10. Pouring over brightly colored bits of glass, you start feeling a cramped heaviness in your abdomen and you wish you had brought the vicodin with you. You are still bleeding heavily, clots & liquid, and it is satisfying. You feel that a great burden has been lifted. It’s might be later when you get home that the placenta and embryo or fetus come out. It may freak you out a little bit – you weren’t sure if you would actually see anything — and if it’s earlier than 6 weeks, you may not. If you do find any thing recognizable, it’s good to see it, and even handle it. I photographed it. When you get past the initial ‘ick’, you start to examine what your body is capable of creating, without your conscious effort or logical understanding, and it will awe you. Something I disliked about the clinical abortion was the disconnect — I wondered afterward if it was real, if it had ever happened at all, for I had so little evidence in memory of the actual pregnancy. Carefully fish it out of the toilet with a slotted spoon, and place it in a bowl or cup of water for the time-being. This may leave you drained again, so nap.

11. When you wake up, decide what you would like to do with it. I consider myself spiritual though not religious, and I believe ritual is important. I bought a potted amaryllis, wrapped the fetus & placenta in a lily bloom, and buried it at the base. I ordered a little hand-carved statuette of Mizuko Jizo (The Japanese Deity which resides over travelers, women & unborn children) to live on the dirt above. I apologized and told the spirit I loved it and would like it to return when we’re ready.
Other nice things to do:
-Hire someone to clean the house & do the laundry (or you can do it yourself, but keep in mind the next days are for restoration, so ensure you get continuous does of pampering in some form between such activities)
-Buy yourself a gift that pleases one or more of the 5 senses.
-Go to the sauna and/or get a massage
-Masturbate. Ever find that when you have a steady lover/partner, you occasionally forget to take this time for yourself? I know I do, and then things go off balance. The contractions of orgasm may not only help with any lingering cramps/back pain, but will exacerbate the flow of blood and bolster your endorphin levels

12. The next days may be very emotional as things bubble up and your body’s hormones recalibrate. Reflect, rest, make some artwork, and talk about it with your friends. In my fantasy world I would probably invite friends over to join me in a pagan dance and/or sacred smoke around the amaryllis (or whatever you chose) and cookies after, but my impression is that this is yet a bit much to ask of even the most un-shockable & fun-loving souls. I suspect attitudes will lighten up rapidly as the nature of the process filters through our collective experience from something sad, controversial & traumatic, to a common experience deserving of out attention, respect, humor & humility.

How to have a totally crappy abortion>>

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How to have a Totally Crappy Abortion*

Tuesday, March 2nd, 2010
*Now keep in mind, this was way back in 1998, and things are a bit different now that the Abortion Pill (RU-486, also known as Mifeprex or Mifepristone, often prescribed in combination with Misoprostol), is available in the US. At the time I’m writing this, if you’re more than 9 weeks along, you’ll probably have to go the surgical (i.e., icky invasive) route. This doesn’t necessarily mean the process below, but I have a very low opinion of clinics and recommend reading the sister piece to this one, How to Have a Totally Awesome Abortion to understand why.

1. Get pregnant by a cowardly douche-bag that can’t stand the site of blood. Extra points if he’s selfish.

2. Freak the fuck out when you see the positive pregnancy test because the only information you’ve been armed with is media parades of controversy over the subject painting it in a terrifying light. Of course, you should tell no one that could offer some comfort – because for a lot of people it’s a really big deal and they would judge you. You would only regret having brought it up. Rely on aforementioned douche-bag for any sort of emotional assistance. Ask him to pay for half of the procedure despite the fact that you cover the much higher physical toll entirely.

3. Find some clinic that deals with stuff, and don’t spend too much time thinking about it, after all you just want it over with. Call your college health center in tears asking if they offer this sort of service (which they should as part of your health plan, but which they of course don’t, because they’re idiots),  they’ll recommend a few clinics to you. When you call the clinic they’ll tell you that you need to be at least 6 weeks along before they can terminate. So you wait, and make the best of it, and feel terribly self-conscious about it for the next few weeks.

4. You might feel conscious of the second spirit, and think out loud that you should treat it well during it’s short time on this earth. Your emotionless, loser of a boyfriend will tell you it’s little more than a parasite and such behavior would be pointless. Give serious consideration to this.

5. Get your doucherific boyfriend to drive you to the clinic the day of. They will recommend not eating for 12 hours before the procedure. You both head out bright and early. Outside the clinic is a rumpled and overgrown looking older gentleman holding up a half-page sized image of a fetus glued to some cardboard. He calls after you both, as you enter, “Give life a chance.”

6. Sit in the waiting room with all the other miserable-looking couples awaiting their turn to fill out paperwork, get a pregnancy test, and settle the balance. Your partner has filled the role of noble provider by scraping together 1/3 of the cost, despite the fact that he has already graduated and you are in school working part-time as a receptionist. Oh wait, that’s right, he’s unemployed. figures. Once you give a urine sample, get shuffled off to another waiting room sans-companion to discuss birth control with a health practitioner. In her pocket is a packet of birth control pills that she taps on with her ballpoint pen to emphasize her instructions. She’s done this many times before, and the pack bears many ballpoint marks left by her patter.

7. Get an ultrasound. Don’t look at the screen, because you’re afraid if you look you might change your mind — you’ve been frequently reminded that life & consciousness are linear & compartmental, not cyclical and interconnected, so the conception occupies something outside the idea of you, despite that you are what it is part of & dependent on. You don’t want to lose your cool, change your mind and subsequently ruin your future and youth by having a kid @19, for whom there may be less than adequate resources to provide for.

8. Round-up time, in waiting room #3. You’ve gotten changed into one of those ridiculous open-back hospital gowns, complete with slippers & a cap to match, and hand over your sharpie-labeled bag of personal belongings to one of the sympathetic-looking ladies in scrubs. Flip through the magazines a bit, watch some of the music videos playing on the CRT mounted in the corner of the room. Devo is playing. Chat with the other girls. There is a sense of comradery, but it is gloomy.

9. Showtime! Go into the operating room, get on the soft plastic & paper-covered table, put your legs up in the plastic stirrups. They’ll put a cloth down between your legs to spare you a bit of dignity while various aids move about around you preparing. The nurse at left puts an IV in your arm. The anesthesia works quickly.

10. You are waking up in the recovery room, opposite some of the same girls you remember from the waiting room, also groggily attempting to sit up in hospital beds. There is something soft between your legs. A nurse pushes up the back of your bed up roughly so you’re in a sitting position. The anesthesia has made you nauseous and disoriented. You ask for a moment and she says ‘no honey, you’ve got to get up, everyone’s got to get up.’ You ask if it is over and she says ‘yes it is honey, you’re fine’ and gives you a pat. She begins physically coaxing you up out of the bed despite your protests. The pad between your legs falls to the ground, white but for a small red blob in the middle. She picks it up and hands it to you. It’s difficult to walk. She supports you as you clumsily settle into a chair in the next room. She brings you some ritz crackers and ginger-ale. It’s difficult to chew; commands from your brain don’t seem to be getting distributed to the rest of you body. Another girl is being gingerly led by a nurse towards your chair, and you realize it’s time for your next move down the reassembly line. You get up without physical direction this time. You give a woman your name and she hands your belongings, and a bag in which to vomit, if necessary. You make your way through a row of dressing rooms to one unoccupied. You’ve put on your warm-ups and are busy figuring out your bra when the taste of warm bile wells up in your throat, as you look around for the bag, finding it just in time. Upon hearing your wretching, a nurse flings open the curtain, looks, frowns, then shuts the curtain again. You finish getting dressed, and go out towards the waiting room with another couple of girls.

11. The Waiting room is nearly empty, except for your boyfriend, who gives you a slightly bewildered look as he gets up. You both enter the elevator. One of the girls you chatted with gets into the elevator too. She is alone. I guess you ought not to complain. In the car he asks if you want to get something to eat. You shake your head, arms crossed over your queasy stomach. You just want to go home and lie down. Anesthesia is so miserable.

12. Back in your apartment you curl up in bed in the fetal position. You ask him if he can go buy you some pads, to which he balks bodily, then consents. You request something thin but he comes back with the bulkiest thing available, shrugging that he didn’t know what to look for. Still curled up he asks if you need anything else. You shake your head, and he replies that he’s going back to his apartment.

13. Bleed.

14. Spend the next several months yearning to talk about what happened, wishing he would ask you something, anything about the experience. Wonder if it ever happened, given how little tangible evidence you have after the fact. As for the unsettled balance of the procedure’s cost, wait patiently for him to take the initiative to pay you back at the very least enough to cover 1/2 the $350 it cost to have your insides scooped out. Ask him to cover 1/2 the cost of birth control moving forward, to prevent a rerun of this ordeal. Accept defeat when he vehemently argues against this, and tell yourself that relationships are about sacrifice — a great test of your patience, which you will pass, damnit. For the glossy magazines and tv say it’s so important to have a boyfriend. Express your anger at his dismissive and selfish behavior by being passive-aggressive. Break up multiple times, only to get back together because you’re lonely, since you haven’t bothered to cultivate many friendships during the 2 years you’ve been with him. Finally, after 2 years, dump his trifling ass, and feel rotten and angry about the entire lousy experience for years to come.

15. Years later he may come along googling you and groveling with a long email apology. The old ignorant self-centeredness you remember is apparent in his writing, despite the obsequiousness. In my opinion, life is too short to bother acknowledging losers like this.

16. Read, research, learn. It will help to get taken under the wing of older swinger & artist in platonic mentor relationship where you’ll learn that not all men are total creeps, and that there are a great multitude of ways in which people relate to each other, beyond the simplicities you’ve gleaned from the mass-media.

17. Heal.

How to have a totally awesome abortion>>

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Thoughts on Polyamory

Wednesday, February 3rd, 2010
“I’ve never actually met a monogamous person before, just hypocrites and liars.”

These were the words of a professional spanker/spankee of Swedish-Slovakian heritage that I met at an orgy in London some years ago (around 2006 I believe). “Quite right,” we all chuckled as we munched on pizza, pancakes and politics in the kitchen of the 2 escorts that had invited us all back to their flat afterwards. I decided that everything I had ever heard about people in the sex industry was false and that Eyes Wide Shut was probably one of the silliest movies I had ever seen.

There are numerous examples of people that have arrived at sexual and socioeconomic arrangements OTHER than Monogamy. In the original Sanskrit of the Kama Sutra, the word for woman, wife, & prostitute are one and the same, the differentiation being how many patrons you had. According to a Finnish friend of mine, in Finland, where the government is obligated to support children, if a marriage doesn’t work out, it’s not uncommon for people to move on and have children with more than one mate. In certain parts of Nepal, the acquisition of 5 or more husbands by a woman is a sign of royalty, based on the story of Draupadi in th epic Mahabharata. There are of course, the Mormons, though from what I’ve read, the situation most Mormon women find themselves in is not a terribly happy one. I expect this has little to do with sexual arrangements and everything to do with being considered little more than baby-making chattel by the men of the faith.

And that is my point, that happiness in our intimate relationships pertains to a much broader spectrum of activity and behaviors than sexual arrangements. More and more I encounter people of similar contexts, values and ethics to my own, practicing alternative approaches to sexuality, and having a grand old time doing it. I don’t now if it really is becoming more popular, or I’m just getting in touch with more of my ilk as I get older. Perhaps Polyamory is an acquired taste necessitating age and experience. Not only is the quantity impressive, but the seemingly overall healthier, more productive, more communicative and considerate manner I see these people carrying out such connections as compared with countless examples traditional marriage mired in indifference or outright misery.

Sex in the modern West, is often defined strictly & predominantly as penetration, especially of a procreative nature – an epistemologically religious fallacy IMHO. In my limited experience, I’ve found that male sexuality tends to be more linear, while women’s sexuality tends to be more spatial. An intimate relationship doesn’t necessarily mean “having sex.” But living in a post-industrial patriarchy means that sex is often defined in very male terms – a serious bummer for those of us in touch with both our Yin & our Yang.

We do live in an over-specialized age in which one is expected to be neatly, linguistically packaged – logical or emotional,  male or female, left or right, black or white, and this leaves us feeling weakened and incomplete (shall we blame the invention of writing, or language itself?). In the context of the nuclear family, we all fear the loss of our sympathy group, men fear the loss of the procreative vessel, women fear the loss of their sustenance… Living in societies of such size that everyone does not know everyone else also leaves us lonely and alienated from the structures governing our lives and definition of the self — so many look for completeness in partnership with another – one other. I think an important question to ask oneself – repeatedly – is whether or not you can feel complete without a significant other.

More often than not, we don’t – so we cling tight, bonded by the most powerful urge existing in any human being – the urge to fuck. According to everyone from Freud to the Tantric monks, if you control this urge, you control society.

Combine that with the knowledge that sex governs the production of the most valuable asset human beings have – other human beings (perhaps it really was paradise, before the fruit of knowledge told us that the seed makes the plant and sex makes babies) – and our sexuality becomes highly subject to threat and hegemony. The more people in your belief system, the more power that belief system has. The Church has exploited this quite successfully – and it gives them a serious edge in American elections.

I believe it is in our nature to seek structure and hierarchy, so it’s natural to want to know where we stand with our lover. Even in healthy polyamorous arrangements, everyone seems to prefer knowing who is king or head courtesan, as we want to know who the CEO/chairman is, or who the leader of a military unit is.

I think problems arise in any relationship, be it working, intimate, familial, when those roles aren’t democratically defined and agreed upon by the participants.

Of course we all want to feel special, wanted, important – like we *matter.* In the capitalist, individualist me-culture, can you be comfortable as second-potato? I think it depends. The person who had the greatest impact on my sexuality, is a mentor with whom I never had sex, though we shared a great intimacy of creativity and emotion. Last and only time I had an affair with a married man, I praised Shiva that I could partake of his oceanic knowledge and body while someone else dealt with his whiny BS 6 days a week and bore his children. There are other times when desire is so overwhelming that it takes on the nature of a drug and blinds me to others. I don’t think it necessarily  means it will be until death, or that we should merge bank accounts. It simply is what it is in the moment.

relation
1390, from Anglo-Fr. relacioun, O.Fr. relacion (14c.), from L. relationem (nom. relatio) “a bringing back, restoring,” from relatus (see relate). Meaning “person related by blood or marriage” first attested 1502. Relationship “sense of being related” is from 1744; meaning “an affair, a romantic or sexual relationship” is attested from 1944.

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Macrobiotics & Social Conflict: A Rant

Sunday, January 17th, 2010
Those of us that have adopted the macro lifestyle, or any other diet mindful of the consequences of our consumption, know what a royal pain in the ass others can make life for us once they know what’s up. I used to be one of these assholes myself during the less socially conscious years of my adolescence. I had little idea as to why I vindicated vegetarians – it probably stemmed from some misguided notion that they were denying themselves enjoyment to satisfy some silly, vain, unfounded social pressure, and I wanted to pull them back to the rebelliously true dark side. “If it’s so great, why isn’t everyone doing it?” I culpably thought. In retrospect, I guess it’s normal to be an insecure asshole when one is 18.

I’m not sure one can apply this perspective to the older folks that express their dietary ignorance via jokes or insult – my feeling these days is that it probably has more to do with them feeling that their worldview is being threatened, which is probably pretty frightening if one hasn’t spent much time/energy fortifying the ideological superstructure. I find that the more I learn about the philosophies I pursue, the less necessary it becomes to say anything about them or what they mean to me. We are only fiercely dedicated to ideas which are in doubt. No one runs around insisting that the sun is going to rise tomorrow.

It bothers me even more when someone seemingly close to me and is presumably familiar with my lifestyle deliberately chooses to ignore it.  When it comes up they assume it’s a temporary habit. “Oh, you’re still doing that?” In one ear and out the other, apparently for years on end.

I haven’t come up with a very satisfactory way of dealing with this nonsense, except great patience, and the avoidance of absolutes & ideology when explaining the why’s behind what I will or won’t consume. You’ll get a much more sympathetic reaction if you say that dairy hurts your stomach, than if you’re waxing philosophical about the cruelty of dairy farms, cow’s milk being intended by Nature for baby cows, or the correlation between breast cancer in the US and fattier diets as compared with Japan. When attending potlucks & dinner parties, I do my best not to show up empty-handed, and in so doing, I ensure there will be something for me to eat, and additionally increase the chances that I might introduce someone to the concept of healthy delectability in the form of one of my recipes. As time goes by, more friendships develop between myself and people that see the world similaly. Conversely, my relationships with friends that prefer the sedentary, mainstream American lifestyle have begun to drift. It saddens me; I want to offer up the gifts that conscious eating and integrated sports have provided me after so many years of depression, fatigue, acne and general malaise about my physical existence, but it would be a contradiction to impose it.

Some years ago I met a rather interesting Buddhist monk while taking a holiday in Madrid. He compared the world religions to everyone looking at the sky through a pinhole. What each one of use sees might be a little different, but we’re all looking at the same sky. He turned out to be rather a prick, but I still like the metaphor. The more pinholes you look through, the better a sense of the sky & it’s variations you receive. Maybe the most important part is that you’re actually looking.

If you haven’t yet read “Zen & The Art of Motorcycle Maintenance,” I highly recommend it.

“The typical situation is that the motorcycle doesn’t work.The facts are there but you don’t see them.You’re looking right at them but they don’t yet have enough value. This is what Phaedrus was talking about. Quality, value, creates the subjects and objects of the world.The facts do not exist until value has created them. If your values are rigid you can’t really learn new facts.”

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