Like many Narcs, the one with whom I share a daughter, likes to use the kid as a creepy excuse to impose his presence on me and pick fights. When I wriggle out of it, he takes me to Court. As you can imagine, this is a cripplingly expensive situation for yours truly. But Family Court is a joke, just like the rest of the so-called American Justice System, and the lawyers and judges all make way too much money off it being ineffective to bother changing anything. So most of the time, you must take matters into your own hands, and do so with the precision of a surgeon so as not to damage the kids or your reputation before the Court.
When it was time for my daughter’s 4th birthday, and subsequently her first REAL birthday party with her whole preschool class, the Narc of course wanted to co-host a party. Because I don’t party with people that are incessantly suing me, I declined, which is when his Narc lawyer got involved and the fun began. Kids’ birthday parties are like the caviar of Narcissistic Supply for an NPD dad. Especially if they can get an organized schmuck like me to plan, prep and pay for everything. Ha.
I’m including actual emails, with identifying information removed and names replaced. Here’s a key:
[Yours truly] …………………………. That’s me
[A**hole] ……………………………… My asshole ex
[our daughter]/[dear daughter] …. Our daughter
The Narcissist baits you, but don’t give in
Ever since I left him, the Narc has become superdad, and in true superdad fashion, emailed me a month before the kid’s birthday to see what “our” plans were. Luckily, I had not yet planned anything, so the stakes were flexible.
On Mon, Dec 21, 2015 at 12:24 PM, [A**hole] <name@emaildomain.com> wrote:
Want to check in with you about [our daughter]’s birthday. I would love to do it at school on Friday the day before her birthday on Friday the 15th so she can be with all her classmates. I have to check with [her teachers] to see if they offer this and the details.
I would be into splitting the costs of this if we both want to attend it. I think [our daughter] would really appreciate that. She kept looking around for you at her performance on Thursday.
I am open to setting up some guidelines on how we interact at these types of events to make things flow as much as possible.
curious to hear your thoughts
[A**hole]
My firm, detailed and unemotional response citing past visitation patterns and the custody agreement we’d been drafting for the prior year:
Date: Mon, Dec 21, 2015 at 1:29 PM
I’m not interested in co-hosting her birthday party. You had her last year on her birthday, and I had her the day after (which meant she got to have birthday weekend, not just the day), and the parenting stipulation alternates birthday access each year. I plan to follow the access schedule and pick her up from school at 2pm Friday Jan 15. Your pickup from Thompson is scheduled at 4pm that day. On Saturday Jan 16 I have early plans so I’ll need to pick her up in the morning – 10am, and can return her in the evening before bedtime.
The Narc’s Slimy Lawyer
Whenever the Narc knew I wasn’t backing down I’d hear from his attorney. His attorney, whose suits never matched and who’s “office” was at WeWork.com (one of those office-sharing places). And who would look at me like he wanted to fuck me during settlement discussions. He once had to gaul to invite me to do a “settlement talk” without his client present – just him and me. Sheah.
What follows is the long-winded, contradictory email from this slimeball to MY lawyer, suggesting that I’d better spend time with his client if I want to see my kid at ALL on her birthday, or they’ll file a motion:
———- Forwarded message ———-
From: The Narc’s Slimeball Attorney <slimeball@myassholeattorneyfirm.com>
Date: Mon, Dec 21, 2015 at 3:31 PM
Subject: Yours truly vs A**hole
To: MY Attorney <justaname@myattorney.com>
Cc: [A**hole] <name@emaildomain.com>, [Yours truly] <name@emaildomain.com>
Ms. Attorney,
My client emailed me to inform me that there’s been some talk between the parties that indicates that Ms. [Yours truly] is of the view that something beyond a regular parenting time schedule is in place. As you know, the court has set a regular parenting time schedule and told us that if it was followed, it would not bother ordering it. There is no other order in place, ordered or understood. I write because the email chain below indicates the view that there is some order or stipulation in place which applies to holidays/[dear daughter]’s birthday. There isn’t. The parties are in the position that they either work something out for something like the child’s birthday or they resort to motion practice or a call with the court.
Happy to figure out the holiday season and/or [dear daughter]’s birthday through counsel or let the parties work it out but, again, there has been no court order or directive regarding anything other than the regular weekly schedule and neither party can dictate to the other how things like birthdays and holidays will proceed.
Best,
[The Narc’s Slimeball Attorney]
Shakespeare was totally right when he said “First, we must kill all the lawyers”. They will lie and threaten even when they know their client is the asshole in the situation. Cuz they’re getting paid to. So I had a predicament.
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